:: Tears ::

i dont know whether i did it right or wrong but i really wanted to do it snce long before. this is not easy. it just like u are entering a battle field but u dont bring any weapon. it simply because u do not want to. n u dont care if u'l b attacked coz u just wanna do what u wanna do. thats all and thats it. i just wanna say im sorry coz i couldnt make anyone happy including myself. 

if other people might hv cried so badly , so am i. too many times i'v fell and burst into tears without knowing that i should prepare for it. too many times i'v slept with teardrops wet my pillow case and woke up in the morning with the feeling of emptiness in my heart.too many times i needed to take a long shower just because i hope i can wash away all the tears i have n nobody will know that im crying.

yes, my life, be it day or night, its always a nightmare. it always a shadow following behind me, its always 'things' linger in my mind. and it always tears.sometimes when im sitting in crowd, im lost. i feel im all alone and such everyone around me isnt there. slowly everything will come into my mind again, and my heart will start talking to myself, judging and considering, searching for the reasons, and sometimes blaming my own self coz im starting to give up on everything. i'l just realize that im becoming so far away from others when my sight blurs and my eyes warm with tear. i hold it back,hiding my feeiing and say,i shud make myself busy now so i wont think bout anything anymore.then i'l try to talk to the people around me just to make sure i can escape from the loneliness.

too many things happened.too many till i cant bear it anymore. it took my whole life and in a second i become different person. im so quiet, think a lot and lost all the confidence i have. im such a human being who live with her body with no soul in it.slowly, i can reason every changes that i'v noticed. im sulking but i keep it to my own self. im crying but with no sound at all coz i hold it back tight to myself till my chest feel like exploding. i go out  to the gym and run as long as i can on the treadmill till i feel so tired. and i'l go bck to my room, tired,sleepy, and needing rest. so i'l sleep,just sleep and forget everything.

today finally i did sumthing. im letting out this feeling a bit ,only a bit, to sum1 dat i never believe i would approach.i hv no other intention but i hope she understand that im never happy standing on others' pieces of broken heart. i never stomp on it and laugh with joy. no, i mean, i didnt cause the hurt at the first place,but i do feel bad coz i cnt help to mke someone stop giving her the pain. even though i was worried and felt threatened b4, i never put a blame on her or hated her, i never laugh to see her in a pain. instead, im the one who crying over here. iv been crying snce before, and suddenly cry more often snce sumthing happened and made us started to give a glance to each other. n now even though i dont wanna care bout it anymore, i dont wanna have a bad feeling to anyone nor to have anyone think bad about me. i just was too innocent, naive and knew nothing at all but fell in love for the first time. n thought everything is just fine...

my journey is still long, n more torn will hit me along the way. im ready. i do have my own dilemmas snce before and now facing all these things make my heart aches endlessly. life aint fair. and for a girl like me, im sick of seeking for a hope to have the eternal and pure happiness...its too much pain till i'v used with it n i'l always say 'it's ok' just to make me feel a bit better... =')