-imperfection-

i shudnt have said that. its my personal stuff n its a part of story that people might get it wrong even though that was not what i meant. i mght have been too emotional but i shudnt.anyway,its up to people's interpretation. thinks positively,u'l b fine.i know too many things. im so angry and confused,n so sick.cnt even organise my thinking n feeling. all are mix up. but,i am n was sincere when i wanted everything ends in a good way. if i cant have a friend, i cant have an enemy too.i was conscious for what i did. i dont need to say more than that. i always believe girls wont b same like a guy, they r more understanding and rational.they wont put their egoism first in considering thing. their hearts are just so pure and white that they cant be so ego and let anger ruins everything.they shud always know to differentiate what is wrong and right tho people always say women will let emotion leads their action. NO. not always. and girls who understand other girls, they wont b so selfish. they will always put themselves in others' shoes.

but when i say im angry for one thing,its not an overwhelm. i hate and angry when it comes to things like men r playing with girls' feeling. n the worst is,i know they really wanna play with it.just for fun mybe. n the person is so close to me.demmit. i wont be so busybody with people past,thats their personal stuff. and never put my personal stuff  as what people need to be concerned too. but if thing happens right if front of my eyes,and drag me inside too, being betrayed and cheated..i'l never can take it easy.i could be so mad n more mean than what the devil cn do. just to say how i hate to see men oppressing women and hate it when its so related to me.put my feeling aside,im not stupid n never letting emotion guides me or an affection blinds me. so see who supposed to be blamed,so blame them. not the victim. so this is how finally i feel like protecting everyone including myself.this is  impossible.yeah,its my bad.

Thanks Allah finally things getting better. not being so stereotype here, i can accept that men dont always a heartless.they learn to be mature so slow and just realised it is wrong to do when we knocked them on their heads. give a forgiven, u'l feel calm too if being in peace is important to u.dont let hatred and anger wrap u into irrationality. give chances for people to change and amend their mistake.not even single person on this earth can avoid from making mistake so dont let the forgivable one ruins everything.it might not easy to forget..but accept it as a lesson of ur life. i wish... everything is gonna b ok. i just wanna hv a real happiness and appreciate what i have now no matter if its only for a while, as my life never offers me that since i was a kid...

:: Tears ::

i dont know whether i did it right or wrong but i really wanted to do it snce long before. this is not easy. it just like u are entering a battle field but u dont bring any weapon. it simply because u do not want to. n u dont care if u'l b attacked coz u just wanna do what u wanna do. thats all and thats it. i just wanna say im sorry coz i couldnt make anyone happy including myself. 

if other people might hv cried so badly , so am i. too many times i'v fell and burst into tears without knowing that i should prepare for it. too many times i'v slept with teardrops wet my pillow case and woke up in the morning with the feeling of emptiness in my heart.too many times i needed to take a long shower just because i hope i can wash away all the tears i have n nobody will know that im crying.

yes, my life, be it day or night, its always a nightmare. it always a shadow following behind me, its always 'things' linger in my mind. and it always tears.sometimes when im sitting in crowd, im lost. i feel im all alone and such everyone around me isnt there. slowly everything will come into my mind again, and my heart will start talking to myself, judging and considering, searching for the reasons, and sometimes blaming my own self coz im starting to give up on everything. i'l just realize that im becoming so far away from others when my sight blurs and my eyes warm with tear. i hold it back,hiding my feeiing and say,i shud make myself busy now so i wont think bout anything anymore.then i'l try to talk to the people around me just to make sure i can escape from the loneliness.

too many things happened.too many till i cant bear it anymore. it took my whole life and in a second i become different person. im so quiet, think a lot and lost all the confidence i have. im such a human being who live with her body with no soul in it.slowly, i can reason every changes that i'v noticed. im sulking but i keep it to my own self. im crying but with no sound at all coz i hold it back tight to myself till my chest feel like exploding. i go out  to the gym and run as long as i can on the treadmill till i feel so tired. and i'l go bck to my room, tired,sleepy, and needing rest. so i'l sleep,just sleep and forget everything.

today finally i did sumthing. im letting out this feeling a bit ,only a bit, to sum1 dat i never believe i would approach.i hv no other intention but i hope she understand that im never happy standing on others' pieces of broken heart. i never stomp on it and laugh with joy. no, i mean, i didnt cause the hurt at the first place,but i do feel bad coz i cnt help to mke someone stop giving her the pain. even though i was worried and felt threatened b4, i never put a blame on her or hated her, i never laugh to see her in a pain. instead, im the one who crying over here. iv been crying snce before, and suddenly cry more often snce sumthing happened and made us started to give a glance to each other. n now even though i dont wanna care bout it anymore, i dont wanna have a bad feeling to anyone nor to have anyone think bad about me. i just was too innocent, naive and knew nothing at all but fell in love for the first time. n thought everything is just fine...

my journey is still long, n more torn will hit me along the way. im ready. i do have my own dilemmas snce before and now facing all these things make my heart aches endlessly. life aint fair. and for a girl like me, im sick of seeking for a hope to have the eternal and pure happiness...its too much pain till i'v used with it n i'l always say 'it's ok' just to make me feel a bit better... =')

..he said...

you are the girl i miss and care of, such a high price and pride to be with you.




i love you, but i am afraid to be with you




i do love you, i miss you.very much.




...i am very sorry...

..and i hate it!!

i know i have to accept the truth. the reality. it seems very hard but yeah,im learning to accept it.
this is the worst thing ever happened in my life yet i stil try to live with it. i should be died now but it shouldn't too. i still my faith in my religion to my God,so i wont do that.

he shouldnt have said that before ,coz when  now he said something different n breaks all my hopes, i feel betrayed. im hurt and annoyed. event though we can think it in different or more positive way to deny all the negative thinking behind every action ( which might not b true), but somehow it still gonna b true. especially when u feel annoyed and lied.

my life ,no matter it is a day or night, its always a nightmare. coz i cant stop thinking his last word. i keep on reading his last message i received and hatred starts to grow in my heart. i dont want to end up hating each other. but yeah,my woman's heart say...he is a man enough. he is not the one who can think wisely oow r beware with his own actions. he wont think bout the consequences but only fun . i hate to have bad thinkings bout him, yet its hard to avoid.

im teaching my own self. try to think positively and sumtimes it works. i dont want to hate him coz the more i hate him, i know the more i'l love him and cant forget him. i feel so stupid coz half of myself says, by this time i shud b able to leave him. coz he is not the one who can always stand beside me and be a man enough to save this relationship.

i dont wanna be so selfish yet .. nobody can understand! i do think bout everything n never take it for granted but something haunting me.n now i hate my own self for not being able to decide or do anything. this is so hard. so crazy. n i hate it!!

Katharine McPhee - Terrified ft. Zachary Levi

im in love and im terrified

im so worried
im so terrified
if i really in love
coz love will make me cry for a simple thing

once i  fall in love with u
i'l always fall for u
i'l always love u
when i see u face
ur smile
when i smell u
heard ur voice
i'l always fall in love
over and over again
no matter its the thousandth time it happens to me

im so terrified
dat im in love with u